I spoke to a group of future parents at Families Supporting Adoption. Being a new parent can be overwhelming, especially if you receive a call with the good news you have been chosen by a birth mother, your baby is at the hospital waiting for you! I put together a presentation of what I have found to be helpful. I am not a parenting expert, I believe each child has their own personality, one way does not work for all. This is my guide, my opinion, what worked for me.
NEW BABY BASICS
INTRODUCTION:
I just want
to start by saying I have had a very emotional week and talking about adoption
always makes me emotional. So please bear with me as I speak.
I am
Niccole, my husband Tim is at home with our baby Oliver. We adopted
Oliver 18 months ago at birth. We were at the hospital when he was born and had
the opportunity to be in the hospital for 2 days with our birth mother and
Oliver. Originally, our birth mother had planned on not spending too much time
with Oliver. After giving birth she realized she wanted to love on him. While
at the hospital I let our birth mother know that if she wanted alone time with
Oliver to let us know. We wanted for her to be able to enjoy him while she
could. Watching this take place was so tender and special while also being so
scary. Of course I was worried about her bonding with him and becoming even
more attached. I continually prayed for her and tried my best to remain
faithful in whatever Heavenly Father’s plan was. It was very difficult. It was
so hard because I was extremely excited and wanted to hold Oliver and kiss him
over and over and over again but at the same time my heart was breaking for our
birth mother.
I am not an expert when it comes to
babies or parenting. I will share what I have found helpful and useful with my
child. Each child is different, what worked for one may not work for another.
Do what you feel is best for your child.
First and foremost, I believe that through my relationship with our
Heavenly Father and having the spirit with us was by far the most helpful and
comforting in bringing home our new baby. By having the spirit with us we were
in turn able to really listen to our babies promptings and know what he needed.
When you feel like you don’t know what to do or what is wrong with your baby,
turn to Heavenly Father in prayer. Do not be afraid to ask your friends and
family for help or advice. Being a new parent can be overwhelming, especially
when you are sleep deprived.
Our birth
mothers are so precious and special. Giving each of us the opportunity to be
parents. The most incredible gift ever. I wanted our birth mother to feel as
comfortable and loved as possible at the hospital. We wanted to bring her gifts
that she could use while at the hospital if she chose to.
HOSPITAL
GIFT IDEA FOR BIRTH MOM:
Pajamas
Slippers
Robe
Underwear –
a size larger than what she normally wears
Going home
outfit
Snacks
Hair ties
Toothbrush
& toothpaste
Deodorant
Magazines
I did
research and found that cabbage leaves help dry up the milk supply. This is a
helpful tip for all our birth mothers. They have gone through so much and I can
only imagine how emotional it is when the milk comes in and they are with out
child.
Prior to
your birth mother going into labor discuss the hospital plan. Remember this
will most likely be the only time the birth mom will get to spend with the baby
she just gave birth to. Emotions are high for everyone involved. I found it was
extremely comforting for us and our birth family to be comforted through the
power of prayer. We had asked our friends and family to continually keep our
birth mother in their daily prayers. Our birth mothers family who is not active
in the church shared with us that the day our birth mother left the hospital
with out the baby, they all felt the power of all the prayers being offered on
their behalf. Our friends then fasted the next day for our birth family.
Heavenly Fathers presence is felt through out the journey of adoption.
If
possible, schedule a tour of the hospital for expectant parents. Our hospital
was accommodating when I called and notified them we would be adopting a baby
who was going to be born at their hospital. They had us join a tour with all
the Pregnant Ladies. For me it was
calming to have some sort of idea how the hospital operates in Labor and
Delivery and Recovery.
Discuss
with your birth mother if you will be able to see the baby and if you will need
a wristband. Hospitals are very strict in this area of the hospital. Once again
remember this is the time the birth mother will get to spend with the child she
just birthed. Be respectful of her wishes. Be prepared mentally knowing that
the plan can and may change at the hospital. This is an extremely emotional
time for the birth mother/father and their families. Be patient and calm. Most
of all be yourself!
BEING
PREPARED FOR THE HOSPITAL:
Folder for
all the paperwork
Car seat –
installed in the car prior to arriving at the hospital
Diaper bag
Coming home
outfit
Hat
Blanket
Bottles
Formula
Diapers
Wipes
I brought
home his wristband, nametags, footprints, a hospital blanket and a hospital tee
as keepsakes for Ollie.
Some
hospitals will give you formula in bottles and diapers. But it is best to be
prepared with all your own items, especially if you are traveling from a far
place. I used the Costco brand formula from the day we brought Ollie home from
the hospital. We had no problems with it. Babies are gassy, as your doctor will
tell you. There is a stomach rub you can do on the baby and leg movements you
can do to help with the gas. My Doctor said, he hears from moms whom
breast-feed that their baby is gassy and he hears from moms that formula feed
that their baby is gassy. It is normal! Do not feel guilty that you are formula
feeding. Consult with your doctor about the formula you will be using. If
necessary vitamins are needed he will let you know. With our formula we needed
to add some drops to it.
If you have
a pet it’s a good idea if possible to bring a blanket to the hospital and put
it on the baby, then bring it home before you bring the baby home and let your
pet sleep on it. This way they are familiar with the smell of the new baby.
When you do bring the baby home bring the baby in the house in the car seat,
set the car seat on the floor and let your pets come smell and check out the
baby.
CAR SEAT
INSTALLATION:
Harness
There are
2 types of harnesses found on car seats:
5 point:
A harness that comes over each shoulder, across both hips, and has one strap
between the legs. All 5 parts of the harness come together at a common buckle.
5-point harnesses are considered to be the most protective type of harness.
3 point:
A harness that comes over each shoulder with the shoulder straps coming
together at the buckle on a crotch strap or in the shell of the car seat. These
harnesses are found only in rear-facing car seats and are primarily found on
older models.
•
For
use in the rear-facing position, thread the harness straps need through the
slots located at or below your child's shoulders.
•
Place
your child in the car seat with the child's back flat against the car seat.
•
Place
the harness straps over the child’s shoulders. Harness straps should lie flat,
not twisted.
•
Buckle
the harness, and the chest clip. Tighten the harness until snug. The harness is
snug enough when you cannot pinch any extra material on the child’s shoulders.
•
Bulky
clothing or blankets can prevent a snug harness fit. Always buckle the baby in
the seat first, and then place coats or blankets over the harness.
Place the
chest clip at your child’s armpit level. This holds the harness straps in place
on the child’s chest and shoulders.
Recline
Angle
Babies
need support to keep their airway open. As your child grows the angle may be
adjusted, so be sure to read the manufacturer’s instructions. Most car seats
have built in angle indicators or adjustors to assist you.
Extra
Support
•
If
your baby needs support, fill the empty spaces with small, rolled blankets on
each side of the baby’s shoulders and head.
•
If
there is a gap between the buckle and your child’s groin (common for young
infants), try placing a rolled washcloth or diaper in the space for a more
secure fit.
•
Thick
padding must not be put under or behind the baby unless it is recommended for
use by the manufacturer.
OC Tykes
201 N. El
Camino Real
San Clemente, CA 92672
949-429-1714
Safety in
Motion
Safetyinmotion.org
714-264-2924
occarseatsafety.com
949-726-2405
Be sure to
consult with your Pediatrician before changing the car seat from backward
facing to forward facing. I am a huge advocate on not turning the car seat
forward facing too soon! An infant’s neck is not strong enough to survive a car
crash when facing forward. It is better to have a broken leg than a snapped
neck.
At this
time you should already have a pediatrician lined up. It is best to be prepared
since you could literally get a call at any given moment that you have been
chosen by a birth family! Talk to your OB/GYN and friends who live in your area
about who their Pediatrician is and what they like / dislike. When we had been
chosen I called the Pediatrician whom we wanted to use and let them know our
situation.
At this
time it is also a good idea to check with your insurance to ensure that your
chosen Doctor is covered. Once the baby is born call the Doctor to schedule
your first appointment. LDS Family Services will tell you how many days after
the baby is born that you have until you need to see the Doctor. I believe its
3- 5 days????
NEW BABY
CHECKLIST:
BASICS:
1. Stroller
2. Infant car seat
3. Baby bouncer
4. Swing or Motion Seat
5. Bassinet
6. Diaper Bag
7. Tummy time blanket
8. Carrier ex. Ergo baby
9. Changing pad
HEALTH:
1. Bath tub
2. Soap
3. Wash cloths
4. Olive oil or Coconut oil
5. Diapers & Wipes
6. Shampoo
7. Laundry detergent
8. Pacifier
9. Thermometer
10. First aid kit
11. Nail clippers
12. Nasal aspirator
13. Hair comb
LAYETTE and BEDDING:
1. Mittens
2. Swaddle wraps
3. Socks
4. Onesies
5. Sleeper gowns
6. Kimono t-shirts
7. Swaddle blankets
8. Beanies
9. Mattress
10. Mattress pad
11. Sheets – a lot of them!
12. Sheet savers
FEEDING ESSENTIALS:
1. Bottles
2. Burp cloths
3. Bibs
4. Bottle brush
5. Drying rack
6. Divided case for formula on the go
7. Highchair
8. Sippy cups
9. Formula
GADGETS:
1. Monitor with a video screen
2. Fan
3. Noise machine
4. Plush animals
5. Toys for the car seat
6. Mobile above crib
7. Teething toys
8.
BOTTLE
FEEDING SCHEDULE:
Also check
out the Iphonemom.com
There is
only one baby prep book I read before Ollie was born Twelve Hours of Sleep by
Twelve Weeks Old by Suzy Giordano with Lisa Abidin . In this book it explains
feeding your baby a certain number of ounces based on their weight. I did not
follow the book exactly I went with what my instinct told me. This worked for us. Our baby ate very
well and in turn also slept very well.
When
bottle-feeding it’s the perfect opportunity to bond with your baby. You never
want to prop the bottle up in their mouth. Always hold the bottle for your
baby. You do not want the baby to choke.
Research
bottles. There are a large variety of bottles and nipples. You may need to try
a couple different bottles and nipples until you find a combination that works
best for your baby. Not all nipples have the same shape and hole size.
BONDING AND
ATTACHMENT:
I actually
never even thought of or questioned how I would bond with Ollie. It was not
until just this month that my sister inquired about the time frame it took for
Ollie and I to bond. Before I ever met Ollie I already had a love for him. In
our adoption situation we had the wonderful opportunity to have our birth
mother stay in our home on many occasions. I believe that through the
relationship I formed with her and the deep love I have for her, made it all
that much easier for me to feel connected to Ollie before he was born. The
moment I walked into the delivery room and saw our tiny little Ollie on the
table my heart melted. I loved him so much already. Each day I spent caring for
him and watching him take the world in, I fell more in love. I still feel the same
way today, each day I love him more than I could have ever imagined.
Now this
may not be the case for everyone who adopts. For my husband the attachment was
not immediate since he was not the person meeting all of Ollie’s needs day in
and day out. Over time he became more attached to Ollie.
Bonding
and attachment often are used interchangeably, but they are different. Bonding,
which occurs when you meet your new child's needs consistently and in a timely
manner, can begin immediately. Attachment, which is the relationship that grows
between you and your child, occurs over time and as a result of many factors,
including trust, feelings of affection and met needs.
Katie
Prigel Sharp She is the co-owner of Heart of the Matter
Seminars, an educational company with the mission to "prepare, not
scare" adoptive families with realistic and honest adoption education. She
is also the author of Adoptive Parenting From the Ground Up.
Prigel
Sharp emphasizes that humans are biologically programmed to behave in ways to
promote attachment. Prigel Sharp feels that your newly adopted child will
benefit greatly if you are very conscious of the attachment process and act in
ways to promote attachment. It is important to learn about the bonding cycle
and attachment process so that you can engage in more intense repetitions of
the behaviors that promote and build attachment.
FIVE
TIPS TO START THE BONDING PROCESS (from Sharp):
1. Stay in close
proximity.
2. Respond,
respond, respond! Remember, you cannot spoil a child simply by meeting her
needs.
3. Do not be fooled
into thinking that a clingy child is an attached child.
4. Establish a
routine and establish yourself as mom.
5. Keep life with
your newly adopted child simple. Avoid overstimulation and too many people.
Of course, keep in mind that is a simple, short list. Nothing
about attachment is simple or short, so do your research. Knowledge is power.
As a parent, you want what is best for your child. One of the more important
things you can do to help your child grow up feeling strong and secure is work
consciously and actively toward healthy mutual attachment.
FOR DADS:
-Go out
by yourself and buy something for your baby.
-Think of
doing things together with your child as he/she grows up.
-Hold
your baby in your arms and say, “I am your father”.
SLEEP:
A sound
machine such as sleep sheep.
Baby
monitor
Fan to
circulate the air – our doctor recommends this
A routine
is key! Start a routine and stick to it. Do the same thing each night when you
put your baby to sleep for the night at the same time each night. Here is what
we do at the same time each night:
Turn on the
fan in the bathroom, turn on the fan on the dresser, turn on the sleep sheep
that is attached to the bottom of the crib, turn on monitor, change clothes
into PJ’s, put all diapers on (he wears three at night!), brush teeth, turn off
all lights, then hold Ollie and feed him his bottle while he holds his blanket.
We have done this routine minus the tooth brushing since he was 4 weeks old. He
slept through the night at 4 weeks old, a minimum of 14 hours straight each
night. He still sleeps 11.5 – 12 hours each night. I believe you should never
wake a sleeping baby. We have gone by this in our home and as you
can tell
this is what worked best for all of us.
CALMING THE
BABY:
When your
baby is crying and you are unsure of the reason try the basics: is she hungry?
Is the diaper wet? Are they too hot or too cold? Do they want to be rocked? Is
there a random hair tickling them? Do they have gas? Try leg exercises or
rubbing the tummy. Many people use
the 5 S’s by Dr.Karp:
According
to Dr. Karp, to sooth a crying infant, recreating the womb environment helps
the baby feel more secure and calm. Dr. Karp recommends:
Swaddling: Tight swaddling provides the
continuous touching and support your baby is used to experiencing within the
womb.
Side/stomach position: The infant is placed on their left
side to assist in digestion, or on their stomach to provide reassuring support.
“But never use the stomach position for putting your baby to sleep,” cautions
Karp. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is linked to stomach-down sleep
positions. When a baby is in a stomach down position do not leave them even for
a moment.
Shushing sounds: These imitate the continual
whooshing sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb.
Swinging: Newborns are used to the swinging
motions within their mother’s womb, so entering the gravity driven world of the
outside is like a sailor adapting to land after nine months at sea. “It’s
disorienting and unnatural,” says Karp. Rocking, car rides, and other swinging
movements all can help.
Sucking: “Sucking has its effects deep
within the nervous system,” notes Karp, “and triggers the calming reflex and
releases natural chemicals within the brain.”
www.happiestbaby.com
TIPS:
Something
that was helpful to us in those first couple weeks was, we had a couple friends
come over around 8pm and stay till midnight. At this time we were able to sleep
and they tended to Ollie. This is something I will never forget and it meant so
much to me. And it was super helpful. Being a tired new mom is exhausting! I
needed some sleep!!
Another tip
I would recommend is have your meals prepared and frozen if you do not have
family and friends bringing meals to your home. Being new parents is
exhausting! And you will want to spend as much time as possible loving on and
holding your sweet new babe. We had meals brought to us for 2 weeks, which was
awesome! The last thing on my mind was eating! Also have snacks in the kitchen
so you can grab something quickly to nibble on. I never wanted to put Ollie
down, so most days I would not even think to eat. But we all need food to keep
us going.
Have lots
of laundry soap on hand. The one thing I was least prepared for was the massive
amounts of never ending laundry!! Which still exist today in our home. I had no
idea how much clothing, blankets, burp clothes, sheets, liners etc that a baby uses
each day. I was constantly doing laundry! And still am today. I always buy two
large containers of laundry soap when I go to Target.
Washing
bottles is also never ending. Be prepared! Read the instructions on all your
different types of bottles before the baby is born. Wash them as recommend
sooner than later. When you arrive home with your baby you want everything
ready to go! I found a couple of drying racks were needed, one is not enough!
Have plenty of bottles on hand, I would say in this case more is better. You
might need to try out different bottles and nipples with your newborn until you
find one that they like the best. In our home we use Tommee Tippie.
NEW PARENT
SURVIVAL GUIDE FROM DR.KARP:
The Top Ten Tips for Parents of New Babies
1. Trust Yourself: You Are the Latest in the
Unbroken Chain of the World’s Top Parents Most new parents alternate between
feeling like a major‐league pro and an inept roo kie.
But, always remember: You are part of an
unbroken chain of successful parents that stretches all the way back to the
beginning of time! Trust your feelings and relax, all your baby needs right now
is milk and your nourishing love.
2. Lower Your Expectations
Many pregnant couples today have never even
touched a newborn, yet they expect to automatically know what to do the moment
their baby is born. Another little‐told truth about becoming a parent is that many
new moms and dads don’t feel smitten right away. Falling in love might take a
little time.
Also, your hormonal rollercoaster often leads to
forgetfulness. And, ditziness is made ten times worse by exhaustion. Clear
thinking is tough in the face of sleep deprivation. So be patient and kind to
yourself.
3. Accept All the Help You Can Get
Never in history were a mother and a father
expected to care for their baby all by themselves. Get help and don’t feel
guilty about asking ‐ or paying ‐ for it. Lean on your support network to help take care of
you—you’ll pay it back later.
4. Get Your Priorities Straight: Should You Take
a Break or Do the Dishes?
Addressing baby announcements and retuning phone
calls is NOT your top job. Don’t try to do too much and remember to rest.
Fatigue can make you depressed, irritable, and distort your view of the world
like a fun‐house mirror. So please get some rest!
5. Be Flexible: It’s Better to Bend Than to Snap
The universal bumper sticker of parenthood says,
“Be flexible...or die!”It’s fun to choose which parenting options make sense to
you, but, it’s important to be flexible and recognize when things are not going
as planned.
6. Know Thyself: How Do Your Baby’s Cries Make
You Feel?
Your baby’s screams may trigger a flood of
upsetting feelings. You may suddenly remember voices of anger, criticism, and
ridicule from long ago. Fatigue and stress can fool your mind making innocent
cries feel like stinging attacks. This is normal. Share your feelings with
someone who cares about you. Discuss your past pains, will help you see how
unrelated your baby’s cries are to those old experiences.
7. Don’t Rock the Cradle Too Hard: Babies,
Frustration, and Child Abuse
The sound of a baby’s cry sets off a “red alert”
inside our brains. This crying can sometimes push even a loving parent over the
edge into the dark abyss of child abuse when coupled with fatigue, depression,
financial stress, hormonal chaos, family conflict, and a history of being
abused. When you’re near your breaking point; get some help. Talk to a friend,
relative, or crisis hotline.
8. Keep Your Sense of Humor Handy
You don’t want to make mistakes, but you will.
Remember, perfection is found only in the dictionary. So, forget dignity,
forget organization, be gentle with yourself and laugh, laugh, laugh. Laughter
raises your spirits, lowers your stress and is exactly what this doctor orders.
9. Take Care of Your Spouse (S/he Just Might
Come in Handy Someday)
Taking care of a new baby is so demanding it’s
easy for a parent to start feeling like s/he’s giving a 110% effort (usually
true) and their partner is giving only 75% (usually false). Caring for your
baby is only half your job; the other half is giving each other some TLC. Dads
must support and adore their wives; moms must nurture and caress their
husbands. Cut each other some extra slack and avoid harsh criticisms.
10. Don’t Ignore Depression: The Uninvited Guest
As
shocking as it sounds, approximately forty percent of new moms experience unhappy
feelings during the weeks after giving birth. Becoming tearful, worried, or exhausted yet unable to sleep may all signal postpartum depression? Get help!
REMINDER:
Our
children grow up all too fast. Before we know it they are eating solids, walking,
talking, using the potty, then its off to school, many activities and sports,
dating, spending more time with friends than us. Before we even realize they
are in high school! Cherish each moment. Try to remember the little things each
day. Far too soon those moments will have passed and we will each be craving
for our child to sit in our lap just one more time. Find joy in each day spent
with your children. When you find yourself becoming frustrated or fed up, take
a brief moment to pause and gain control of yourself. Think before you react.
Remember they are only young once, this is the only time you have. So make it
enjoyable for them. The laundry will pile up, the dishes will still be there,
your friends can chat latter, the floor can be vacuumed later but this moment
now will last only for a brief second. Cherish it!
"i
know it is hard for you young mothers to believe that almost before you can
turn around the children will be gone and you will be alone with your husband.
you had better be sure you are developing the kind of love and friendship that
will be delightful and enduring. let the children learn from your attitude that
he is important. encourage him. be kind. it is a rough world, and he, like
everyone else, is fighting to survive. be cheerful. don't be a whiner."
[marjorie pay hinckley] ♥
When
it comes to parenting "whenever possible say yes, they are only kids
once!" -Marjorie Hinckley
I
have a book “Mom’s One Line A Day” it is perfect for keeping a memory of the
tender sweet moments of your child. It is so easy to get caught up the day to
day and forget the little joys of being a parent. Each day I try to make an
effort to be the best mother I can be to Oliver.
